I'm sitting here drinking wine on our front porch with the dog you helped us choose. I realize I have to be careful about giving myself permissions - oh, it's ok, have another glass of wine, you're grieving. Have some more chocolate, you're grieving. I could easily end up at 200 pounds again. And I so enjoyed shocking you in Paris when I was down to my ideal weight.
It's hard to be here, where no one knew you. I imagine it's also hard to be where memories of you are everywhere. Basically, it's just fuckiing hard.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to have years to regret being so far away, and trying to find times to visit you, and hoping you'd have time to visit here, and bring jealous of all the time Gaea's family got to spend with you. Instead I just have regrets. That I didn't call more often, even though I knew you were busy. That I didn't visit more often. That I left Minneapolis just after you got back. Damnit, I miss you.
As I was writing this, Cricket got up and moved to my side. I think he's a very empathetic dog. So I went around back and got the bubble wand and sat here blowing bubbles for him. I wish I had a picture, but I can't blow bubbles and take pictures at the same time. It was supposed to cheer me up a bit, but I can't get there right now. More wine and some chocolate? Possibly a bad idea...
Friday, May 26, 2017
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
To Jason on Dancing
I wanted to tell you that your dad and I danced on a street corner in New Orleans.
We arrived there on April 29th, and walked down to Jackson Square, pausing on the way for lunch. We walked around the square looking at art and nearly bought a painting of jazz musicians in colorful clothes on a black background. Then I rested in our hotel while Russ went to his meeting.
We had dinner at a cute little almost-empty bar that felt aimed much more at your generation than ours. And then we walked on to experience Bourbon Street on a Saturday night. We donated to street performers, stopped in a couple galleries, decided we were too tired to stay for the Preservation Hall show but might come back another night. And when we heard a combo playing on the corner, we danced.
I'm not sure I had even told you about our dance lessons. We'd only had a couple. Our first lesson was 3 days after I saw you for the last time.
I don't know if you realize this, but your dad likes to make a list of subjects to discuss before we call people. THAT morning, dancing was at the top of the list, right behind Happy Birthday.
I got up early and posted on your FB page, and you responded. But I waited to talk to you until your dad was up (and also it WAS still quite early). Our first call to you was, I think, about 15 minutes before the crash. By the time we called again and left a message, you had died.
Yesterday, your dad came downstairs in tears, just thinking that you would want us to dance. I think you would be happy that I'm finally learning to follow. I was so bad at it when we danced at your wedding. I hate that I won't get to dance with you again. But we plan to continue our dance lessons anyway. You would want us to dance.
We arrived there on April 29th, and walked down to Jackson Square, pausing on the way for lunch. We walked around the square looking at art and nearly bought a painting of jazz musicians in colorful clothes on a black background. Then I rested in our hotel while Russ went to his meeting.
We had dinner at a cute little almost-empty bar that felt aimed much more at your generation than ours. And then we walked on to experience Bourbon Street on a Saturday night. We donated to street performers, stopped in a couple galleries, decided we were too tired to stay for the Preservation Hall show but might come back another night. And when we heard a combo playing on the corner, we danced.
I'm not sure I had even told you about our dance lessons. We'd only had a couple. Our first lesson was 3 days after I saw you for the last time.
I don't know if you realize this, but your dad likes to make a list of subjects to discuss before we call people. THAT morning, dancing was at the top of the list, right behind Happy Birthday.
I got up early and posted on your FB page, and you responded. But I waited to talk to you until your dad was up (and also it WAS still quite early). Our first call to you was, I think, about 15 minutes before the crash. By the time we called again and left a message, you had died.
Yesterday, your dad came downstairs in tears, just thinking that you would want us to dance. I think you would be happy that I'm finally learning to follow. I was so bad at it when we danced at your wedding. I hate that I won't get to dance with you again. But we plan to continue our dance lessons anyway. You would want us to dance.
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